21 Of The Best “Don’t Tell Your Mom” Moments To Keep Close To The Vest.
Everyone has had one of those moments where they meet the gaze of someone standing nearby and, without any words, say “speak of this to no one.”
Here are 21 of these moments people have had with their fathers (plus a longer bonus story at the end!).
Check out more stories from the source at the end of this article!
1/21. Dad went for a fart and accidentally followed through, he ruined the pants my mum had gotten him for his birthday. I was in the room gagging, whilst I was choking and tearing up he says “this stays between us”.
2/21. My mom walked in on me and an ex getting it on and she flipped out. She told my father (they were divorced) and hoped he would talk some sense into me. He said five words about it: “Next time get a lock.”
3/21. My dad and myself got some pretty sweet gas powered RC cars for Christmas. I was 13 at the time, and I mentioned to my father “Dad, It would be really awesome if we took some wood and made a ramp off the back of the truck.”
So my father’s response? “Let’s wait until your mother’s gone for work.”
Fast forward 20 minutes, mom’s gone off to work. And we’ve set up the holy mother of all RC ramps up the back of the truck and were launching these RC cars over the house. Both found it really hilarious, until I messed up and didn’t hit the jump fast enough. Ended up sending it through the window.
Dad’s response as he looks at his watch. “Guess what kid? Your going to learn how to replace a window today before your mom gets home…”
Six hours later, received one of the many life lessons from my Dad. He was such a cool cat, we have many stores like this. So many.
4/21. My father was a huge joker, sometimes his jokes got a little border line ‘What the heck dad…?”
My favorite story from him of all time, was when he was telling me about ‘boys’ and that kinda crap and the proper way to handle things.
The conversation started out as follows over breakfast, “Hey kid. Do you know what sex is?”
Immediately I started laughing, as it was kind of awkward morning breakfast conversation. “Yes, dad. Why you talking about this.”
“Well your mother wanted me to have this conversation with you….”
So my father’s whole take on this, was to take me down to the grocery store for condoms prefacing this with, “Don’t tell your mother I’m doing this.”
Well we were also doing a normal trip, and my father picked me up a box of condoms.
LITTLE DID I KNOW… While we were walking through the grocery store, dad was doing his best to scratch off the bar-code to the box. He looked at me and said, “Here’s the money. This is your first check to adulthood kid. Go pay for it yourself.”
Giving me the money, I stood in line and about died when the cashier tried to run the box of condoms and she gave up and loudly said over the loudspeaker “Price check on [insert generic name of condoms here]”
I was so embarrassed, and living in a small town – everyone knew.
Meanwhile, dad was standing off to the side laughing so hard he was crying.
5/21. The day before high school my dad had a talk with me about drinking. He made me a promise saying something to the effect of, “If you are ever in a situation where you’re drunk, your driver is drunk, etc. you can call me and I’ll pick you up. No matter what time it is, know I will be there for you and I will not me mad or tell your mother.”
Well, during my junior year, I lied to my parents and told them I was sleeping over at my best friend’s house. Instead, I went to a kegger with my friends. We got wasted and the party ended about 2. My friend that drove was drunk and insisted that she was fine to drive. All I could hear was my father’s voice giving me that talk.
So, I called him. He was all groggy, but made the 45 minute drive to pick me up. Not only did he take me home, but my 2 friends as well. It was a silent car ride and I just felt like he was going to explode once my friends were out of the car.
That was 10 years ago, and he still hasn’t talked about it to this day. If any of you have children entering this age, I suggest you make the promise with your children. Who knows what could have happened to us that night if he wasn’t there for me.
6/21. My favorite were trips home from college. My mom would slip me some cash, and tell me not to tell Dad. My dad would slip me some more cash, and tell me not to tell Mom.
I’ve still never told.
7/21. I once wondered why Dad was spending so much time away from home when he was off work. He always used to be home reliably when work got out.
Then one day I noticed his truck parked on a more rural road not far from a friend’s house. What I discovered was that he was back there in a “wood mill” type place, using a wood-splitter machine to cut logs into different sizes.
He made me promise not to tell Mom that he was earning extra money doing this part-time work to save up money to take her on an anniversary trip she had dreamed of, but which he couldn’t afford on the salary from his regular job.
I gave him a BIG hug, and kept that secret. And what a trip they had – I don’t think I had ever seen Mom so happy!
8/21. When I was 6, I woke up because of a nightmare, everyone was asleep except my dad, he was still up watching tv. He saw that I was really scared so he took me out in my PJs to get Pizza Hut. Told me to keep it a secret because mum never allowed us to have junk food.
Still haven’t told her…
9/21. Once, my dad and I both had the same idea to play hookie from work/school as a long con to avoid going to my mom’s Christmas party at her school. We both hate hearing the children sing Christmas carols tone deaf, and my mom hates it when we don’t go and suffer with her because then she has to suffer through it alone.
I remember both of us coming out of our bedrooms and literally bumping into each other because we both thought we were the only ones home. We locked eyes and knew the truth.
10/21. Dad was sitting in my room having a conversation with me, reached for a water bottle sitting on my desk and took a big swig. Of vodka.
He didn’t even react much other than the momentary surprise of tasting alcohol instead of water, but he still hasn’t told.
11/21. My dad took me and my brother to see Blade Trinity when I was 15 and my brother was 12. It was a complete secret until my brother dropped “c*ck-juggling thunderc**t” at the dinner table.
12/21. My dad died when I was super young, so I have almost zero memories of him. But one of the only ones I do have was a “Don’t tell your mother” moment.
He had a dirt bike (the kind with the motor), and was riding me around the barn, sitting in front of him on the bike. Knowing my mother, she was probably freaking out about it. On one of the laps around the barn he lost control (probably from going too slow) and dumped us both in a manure pile.
He set the bike back up, put me back in front of him, said, “Don’t tell your mother”, and off we went again.
I never did tell her.
13/21. My father grew up in the country and was always doing Tom Sawyer type stuff. There are plenty of times where he had to tell me not to “tell mom”, but one story has anyways stood out. He used to take me to a train bridge where we would precariously meander our way down the hill so that we could get under the bridge on one side of the river. One false move, or if you slipped ducking under the giant I-beam, it was instant death on the jagged rocks below. We would just hang out and throw rocks into the river until a train would pass over top of us which is an insane rush to many of your senses.
One time specifically I remember ducking under the i-beam and slipping. His dad reaction kicked in and he threw me away from the edge by my coat, surely saving me from certain death.
14/21. A first grader I know told me “I play Call Of Duty with my Dad…but only when my mom’s not home. She can never find this out, but we kill EVERYTHING!”
15/21. When I was young my mom sometimes visited her mother for a week or so by herself. When she left, my father took us “impulse shopping” at the grocery store and we would live for the week on whatever my dad, my brother and I picked out. I remember subsisting on liverwurst and gummy bears.
16/21. I was really into Enid Blyton books when I was 8 but new books were a luxury that my family couldn’t really afford. On paydays, my dad would bring me to the book store to grab a few new books and we’ll sneak them home without telling mum. Looking back, my dad probably had to scrimp on some meals then but it did encourage my lifelong love for reading.
17/21. When I was 15 I used to skateboard up and down my street from the time I got home from school until I went to work. One day my Dad met me at the end of the road coming home from his job, and told me to grab onto the bumper of his 1993 Bronco. I held it for a bit but at around 20 MPH I started to lose control, and the wobble was too hard to handle. I was just wearing shorts and a t-shirt, and I destroyed my forearms and legs. I was scabbed up for quite a while, and my Mom never knew that it was because I was pulled behind the car. I told her I went down a nearby hill too fast and lost control. My Dad wrote me a couple sick notes for my silence, and I got to stay home from school, and bullshit for a couple days.
18/21. I was 16 or 17, I had to send off an application form for some thing or another. I asked my father where the form was and he said “you were about to miss the deadline so I signed your name to it and sent it off”. Later that same week I needed my mother’s signature for some thing or another. That evening I was home with my parents and my mother asked me about the second document and I said “we were about to miss the deadline so i signed your name to it and sent it off.”
She went absolutely f*cking apeshit, screaming her head off about how you should never ever commit forgery under any circumstances. My dad and I didn’t even need to exchange knowing glances, it was pretty clear what we were both thinking, was I or was I not going to say to my mother, “dad did the same thing the day before yesterday.”
I didn’t say it.
19/21. I was 10 and was skipping school to play football with my other friends who were also skipping school.
That day, none of us wanted to go due to some stupid sports event, so we skipped school and went to this football field. We were playing a couple of games as per usual and then at some point some kid rammed his heavy studs into my knee (It was a pretty bad sprain) and I couldn’t move.
Now we were screwed, it was obvious that I had to go get it checked out but we also couldn’t tell anyone we were bunking school. I bit the bullet and called my dad when he was at work and told him where I was and what happened.
He took me to the hospital, I got patched up and we went home. He didn’t say a word and didn’t tell me anything about me skipping school. (I told my mom that we were playing at school)
Talked to him a few years later about that and he told me he didn’t even know I was supposed to be at school.
20/21. I was twelve and my mom was losing her damn mind over film ratings. Even the new PG-13 rating was off-limits. My dad and I went to the four-plex one day to see a movie and the options were crap, crap, crap, and some movie called Die Hard. We looked at the posters, we looked at each other and he said, “I won’t tell your mother if you don’t.”
Best first R movie ever.
21. A friend of mine lived out in the country and there was a small pond on their property. She and her mom got back from a shopping trip one day to find that her father had stocked the pond with koi. Her mom flipped out about how much money he’d wasted on fish. After mom stomped off into the house, dad leaned over and whispered, “They’re just goldfish, but don’t tell her!” and grinned.
I was in sixth grade (1996). I was on a science class field trip to one of the nearby rivers where we were building 55-gallon drum pontoon boats for… science reasons. Anyway, my dad shows up about 10 in the morning and tells the teacher I have an appointment I need to go to, urgently. I wasn’t aware of any such appointment, but when your dad says you have one, you have one. So I leave with him and ask him WTF we’re doing; he simply says, “You’ll see.”
So we ride on his motorcycle for a while, and eventually I realize we’re at the airport (Changi). But not the airport entrance, the back side. He pulls off into a grassy area next to a fence overlooking the main runway and pulls out a picnic blanket (blue tarp), a pair of binoculars, and a then-new-and-awesome laser pointer. He was very proud of and jealously guarded his big bulky fold-out laser pointer, so by now I was suuuuuper confused and a little concerned.
That is, until about 10 minutes later, when an airplane landed. But not any airplane. It was the Northrop B-2, an aircraft that had only been announced to the world some six months prior. My tiny little mind was BLOWN. We were honestly a good mile away from it, and obviously we weren’t the focus of the visit so we used the binoculars to get good looks at it, and like little budding terrorist idiots we shined the laser pointer at it to see if it would reflect at all (“science!”) (it did not, even though it reflected off the concrete directly below it).
Eventually, it took off again and left, and we and the other ~50 assorted people started rolling up our tarps and heading out. Except, I’m guessing the crew saw us with our faces plastered up against the fence, because a few minutes later as we were finishing packing, that motherfucker flew right over our heads, at no more than 500ft. The worst part was, not a single one of us heard him coming. He was right over our heads by the time anybody noticed.
It was the most glorious thing young me had ever seen.
When we were finally done and riding back out, my dad looks me right in the eye and says, “Son, if Mom asks you what you did today, you had a great time building boats, right?”
One of the best memories I ever had growing up. I’m sure my mom knew, but she knew better than to ask.
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